BY: Megan Armknecht
“Have you received His image in your countenances?” Alma 5:14
“. . . let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.” D&C 121:45
I believe that every woman is beautiful.
I believe that every woman is of infinite worth and
potential.
I believe that every woman has the power to change lives.
And I believe that every woman should feel this way—every woman should feel confident, powerful, and
lovely.
Because when it comes to our core, that’s who we are—we are
daughters of the most glorious, beautiful Beings in the universe—our Heavenly
Parents . . .
but we don’t always feel that we are glorious and beautiful
and powerful.
Each woman seems to go through a time when she feels
insecure and unsure of herself—for some of us, we feel like we’ve been awkward,
unattractive, and unwanted since preschool. Others of us have felt confident at
certain points in our lives, but time seems to dull what we’ve known and felt—we
seem to forget that we have felt the power that comes from truly knowing who we are and being comfortable
with—and even liking!—ourselves. We are on a journey to re-find
confidence—confidence which has been lost on the crossroads of life and beaten
out by the voices of the world, which scream that we have to be more, be less,
be anything but who we are.
Of course we want to feel secure in this world, and secure
with our place in this world. We want to love who
There’s a wonderful talk called “The Doer of Our Deeds and
the Speaker of Our Words” by M. Catherine Thomas, who used to be a professor at
Brigham Young University (read it here—it’s well-worth your time). In this
talk, she talks about how we all try to boost our self-esteem . . . when in
reality that search for self-esteem through affirmation and validation will get
us nowhere. She talks about how by searching for validation, we’re actually
seeking out something lost—that we’re children far away from our heavenly home
and that we’re lost and lonely. What we really need is to remember who we
are—sons and daughters of God—and act accordingly. What we really need is
confidence— we need true confidence
that is founded in our relationship with God and remembering who we are and how
the Atonement is our covering and support when we are weak (which, really, is
all of the time—we’re in continuous need of His grace and love). It is this
confidence, founded in Christ, which gives us the power to face any of life’s
challenges with strength, poise, and grace. It is the lost confidence of
childhood—the confidence of a little girl dancing in a field, carefree, singing
her own made-up melody to herself, happy with
who she is. This confidence is based on God’s trust, not on the validation of
changing public opinion.
I’m not saying this is easy. I love words of affirmation
just as much as you do (ha, it is,
after all my primary love language). And it’s hard to remember what really matters—that fact that we are sons and
daughters of God—and to found our trust and confidence in this, when we also
define ourselves by other characteristics:
“I’m a great basketball player.”
“I’m smart.”
“I love to write.”
“I love doing chemistry.”
“I’m a dancer.”
These are all things we define ourselves as, and they show
our personality and also make us who we are. We have to find ways to learn and
progress in these aspects of our lives, too. If we are striving to become like
God, we have to be continually learning and growing, and find truth in all areas of our lives, and as we
progress, we look for affirmation to ensure that we are moving on the right
path.
However, we can lose confidence if we place too much value
on validation and not on what really matters—our worth as children of God.
For example, I remember my first semester of college as
being very stressful—it was my first time away from home, I had to deal with
new people, make new friends, adjust to college life and college academics. I
experienced paradigm shifts on a regular basis, and I was basically very
insecure with myself. From elementary school to high school, I had prided
myself on being “the smart girl.” I was Hermione
Granger and I was proud of it. But at university, I was surrounded by thousands
of other Hermione Grangers—many of
who were smarter and more clever than I was! It took me a while to realize that
my worth isn’t contingent on whether or not I get perfect grades in
college—just as I also began to learn that my loveableness doesn’t depend on
the number of times I was asked out in a semester. But getting to that point
was painful, and I shed far too many tears worrying about what others thought
of me—instead of asking God for His validation and to feel His love.
I learned many of these powerful lessons about confidence,
validation, and God while serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church).
I specifically remember a companionship study I had with my trainer. I was nearing the end of my training, and I didn’t feel at all ready to go “off on my own.” How
would I know if I was a good missionary? How would I know when I was doing
“enough”? My trainer must have sensed my uneasiness, and during companionship
study, she read me a letter her brother had written to her. In it, her brother
talked about how there would “be times on your mission and in your life when
you’ll want validation. You should only ask God for that validation, because
His opinion is the only one that matters. You’ll feel His love and care and
know that He has a special plan and purpose for you. I already know that you
have a special part to play, but you need
to know it yourself. Get on your knees and ask God for His help and to feel
that He is proud of you. I know He is.”
That letter struck me, and the ideas in it—that God was the
ultimate source for comfort, correction, and validation—helped me through some
very difficult times on my mission. I learned to truly turn to Him, even when—especially when—I was feeling broken,
alone, and scared. I was stripped to the bone on my mission as I passed through
refiner’s fires, and began to develop an even stronger relationship with God.
It was by developing and strengthening my relationship with Him and losing my
life in the service of His children that I found myself. My perspective changed
as I looked outward and upward to God, instead of focusing on my problems. My
need for validation was no longer my highest priority. And by denying myself, I
found confidence. I wrote this in my journal half-way through my mission:
“I am more than half-way done with my mission. Strange. But
I wanted to write down some thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been analyzing my mission
experience and how I’ve changed. Because I’ve changed a lot. Looking back at
the pre-mission girl I was, I can feel how
much I’ve grown and stretched. And it’s visible on my face. [. . .] How have I
changed specifically? Well, I feel like I’m a lot less selfish. I thought about
myself and my needs so much before the mission (which is understandable,
because the college years are a very self-centered time of life). But looking
back, it makes me sad. But it’s too late now to change and re-do my college
years to be more full of love and not worry so much about myself and my
happiness . . . but instead worry about others’ happiness (and, invariably, my
happiness will follow if I focus on loving others and do my best to make others
happy!). [. . .] I’ve become more loving during these past nine months. And more
sure of myself. Especially during this last transfer, I just feel like myself. I know who I am. And
I’ve found that I like this girl—I like myself.”
I re-found confidence on my mission. Not because of the
mission, per se, but because I
shifted my perspective. I remembered who I was, my relationship to God, and
what He wanted me to do and become.
The trick is remembering. We all say that we know the
answers, but the real answer is application. We have to keep the perspective
and keep the confidence we find and alive and bright in our souls.
We are braver than
we believe, stronger than we seem, and smarter than we think (thank you, A.A.
Milne for that beautiful advice).
God wants a powerful people. He especially wants His
daughters to have confidence and to lift, build, shine,
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