Doubt and Faith

BY: Christina Taylor 

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I know what my divine role is. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I have divine potential. I am part of a family. I feel cherished, honored and respected; I belong.  Growing up under the direction of “goodly parents” (1 Nephi 1:1) I was taught these wonderful truths. I always knew that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me. Through many different experiences I have gained faith and a testimony that God is aware of me and my needs, and that He listens and answers my prayers. That does not mean that my faith is perfect, or that I do not ever experience heartache and doubt, but as one of our apostles has recently said, I must “doubt my doubts before I doubt my faith” (Come, Join With Us, President Dieter f. Uchtdorf).

Growing up in the church, I followed what many would consider a traditional path. I attended all my meetings, served in each capacity I was called to, and tried my best to make good choices. After graduating high school, I went on to college where I met and married my husband. I graduated from college and taught kindergarten for a few years in order to put him through the rest of his schooling. During that time, we felt it was right that we should start our family, so even though we were what most would consider poor college students, we took that next step. Our daughter was born in the summer after my first year teaching. She was beautiful and perfect –and we couldn’t have been happier.

Life continued on for us. My husband worked and studied hard and graduated with his degree. He was chosen out of a number of applicants to be hired, and so we moved our family accordingly. Because he could work full time at a job with a salary, we both felt that I would be able to stay home now to raise our daughter. Yes we are living off a small salary, and yes we don’t have all the “things” we want, but we are happy in our family. I know that the sacrifice of staying home is worth every minute in order to raise my daughter and teach her correct principles. I hope someday to go back to teaching, but I know that is not my role right now.

Over two years ago we felt that it was time to start trying to have another child. Just as before, we decided to follow that prompting and take the next step. I am pretty healthy, with no allergies or physical limitations, so the idea of not conceiving didn’t occur to us.

It didn’t work.

Month after month passed, and I wasn’t pregnant. It hurt –a lot. As each month would come to a close, I would try hard to talk myself out of the idea that just maybe this time I was pregnant, only to still harbor hopes that were eventually crushed.  After trying unsuccessfully for 11 months, we went to the doctors. I started a series of fertility drugs that messed with my hormones, my body and my emotions. I prayed so hard that each month it would work, but it didn’t. I started having doubts. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me and answered prayers, but why wasn’t He answering mine, right now? I prayed for patience, I prayed for peace. And all along I watched friends and family so easily get what I wanted.

Outwardly I acted fine. People every now and then would make unsuspecting comments like “Time for another one!” or “When are you gonna have more kids?”. While I would smile and make some witty reply to them, on the inside I would hurt a little more. I ached to hold another baby in my arms. As more and more of my daughter’s friends had siblings to play with, I felt more desperate to give her brothers and/or sisters. I kept praying for answers.

One day I was painting something in my house while listening to a talk online by one of our modern-day apostles, Elder Richard G. Scott. He was speaking about personal revelation, and answers we might sometimes get to our prayers. I can still remember specifically how I felt when he said these words:

“If you feel that God has not answered your prayers, ponder… then carefully look for evidence in your own life that He may have already answered you.”

I stopped painting. Had He already answered me? Was I just not listening? The words immediately came to mind “Not yet”. I sat there stunned. Had I just received an answer to my prayers? As if on cue, I heard the next part of his talk:

“Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling.”

I immediately felt peace. My heart was filled with that calm feeling that I had been aching for –and I knew it was from my Heavenly Father. I said a prayer right then and thanked Him. I felt so happy in my answer –that it wasn’t yet time for more children –and that I felt peaceful.

Time passed. As each month came to a close I wish I could say that I felt perfectly content and fine with not being able to conceive, but I didn’t. I tried so hard to continue doing the things I knew could bring me more peace. I read my scriptures, prayed, studied gospel principles, attended church meetings and served in various callings. I still yearned for more children, but I tried to hold on to my answer and be content. For the most part I did well and tried to be strong, but every now and then I would break down and feel the pain wash over me again. After 7 more months, my husband and I took our plea to the Lord again. Our answer was that we should go back to the doctor.

We again experienced more rounds of fertility drugs and uncomfortable exams and questions. I tried to keep my head up. I tried not to cry every time another friend announced another pregnancy–especially an unwanted one–and pretended that I was okay. As much as I doubted the Lord’s plan for me and our family, I held tight to my faith that He knew and loved me –that I was just experiencing these doubts as a result of this trial.

Early one Sunday morning I was getting ready for church and pondering why I felt like my recent prayers were not answered. Why did I feel like He wasn’t answering me? Where was He when I needed Him most? Why couldn’t I just get pregnant like so many others? As I pondered these things, a phrase from the scriptures suddenly came to mind:

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God? (D&C 6:23).

As before, I knew I had had my prayers answered once again. He WAS answering my prayers, and He WAS listening, but I realized that instead of asking for the same thing over and over, I needed to take comfort from his answers and continue to have faith and patience.

A few weeks later I received the impression that I needed to change my study in the scriptures. I distinctly felt that I needed to focus on women of the Bible –specifically, women who had also experienced infertility issues. Early in my study I realized that there wasn’t just one but at least five women who struggled with conceiving. I quickly came to love and respect these women. I found that through the experiences of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth my faith was strengthened. Many of these sisters were specifically promised children only to wait decades for those promises to be fulfilled. As I studied these stories, another talk from one of our church leaders came to mind. I looked it up and knew immediately that –once again –Heavenly Father was answering my prayers. These parts particularly stood out to me:

“Important components of faith are patience, long-suffering, and enduring to the end…

The Apostle Peter testified that “the Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering” toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel. But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22). And she was blessed with the birth of Joseph and later the birth of Benjamin…

When heaven’s promises sometimes seem afar off, I pray that each of us will embrace these exceeding great and precious promises and never let go. And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you.” (Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises, Elder Spencer J. Condie).

I know that just as “God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22), He remembers us. Studying her story and others like hers has given me hope. It has been well over two years now that we have struggled with what the doctors call secondary infertility, and although I wish I could tell you that my story has an ending like Rachel’s, I can’t. I may never be able to have more children. I may never have that desire of my heart. It still causes me pain, but if I have learned anything throughout all of this it is to never doubt my faith. Just as the Lord answered prayers in times of old, He is answering me. I have learned that He is always there, always listening, and that if I hold fast to the faith that I have, He will bless me with comfort, peace, and the reassurance that He cares. As our apostle said: “Doubt your doubts before your doubt your faith".

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