You Are Never Alone

BY: Tashara Carnahan

I grew up always hearing the saying, "You are never alone, the Lord is always there to comfort you," and I just took it for what it was. I didn't ever have an experience that made me question that saying or really make me ponder it more in depth. It was just...there. Until I got to college.

Now, don't get me wrong. College was a blast and a half! I had tons of things to do, tons of people to meet, I had Ryan, my boyfriend (almost fiance), to start out my Winter semester, my best friend from childhood was my roommate, and I never suffered from homesickness. Life was good. Correction: Life should have been good. But, I still struggled.

Along with college came new roommates. They were so awesome. I mean, I honestly could not have asked for a better set of girls to room with. We all got along great and we never fought. We had a few disagreements here and there with our different personalities, but other than that, we loved each other. However, with the new roommates also came hardships and heart break for me. I spent time with Ryan because it was sparse and random whenever he'd be available, so I wanted to see him as much as I could, which left me kind of the outcast from my roommates. I spent time with them and did some things they did, but I still felt like I was shunned a lot of the time. They all became super close and had experiences and inside jokes that I couldn't relate to or even begin to understand. I would ask them about it, but after a couple of poor attempts to try to include me in the joke, clearly knowing I didn't belong, I stopped asking.

I became reclusive, depressed. My best friend suddenly became best buds with one of our roommates she'd only known a few months. We'd been friends for years. What was going on? It hurt me to see them having so much fun without even a second glance my way. By this time, it was the next semester and I was engaged. I should have been happy, right? I couldn't have been more wrong. I kept spiraling down and down, losing myself in a despairing pit. The stresses of planning a wedding from home, my best friend seeming to not care one bit about it, helping, or even giving me positive support for it, and not seeing my fiance for sometimes days at a time, even though he lived right across the parking lot, was enough to make me go crazy. I confronted my friend about not feeling included, and she promised to do better. I confronted Ryan about wanting to see him more, and he promised to do better. For the first time I felt like things were finally going to go better. They didn't.

Things stayed the same. Sure, I saw Ryan more only because I initiated a talk on when our schedules would line up to allow that to happen. But the situation with my friend and roommates still stayed the same. I tried. I really tried to get involved more with them. I'd have Ryan come over to my apartment so they'd get to know him better. They did get to know him better and it wasn't ever awkward when he was there, but they still treated us as a separate entity from them. They didn't quite let us mesh with their group of friends. They were never rude, but I felt a distinct separation. I hated it. I felt so alone and so devalued. I remember thinking to myself, If God were really with me, why do I feel so alone? Why am I not feeling comforted? Why do things like this keep happening to me? I'm trying hard, but nothing seems to work. No one seems to care. Thoughts like these kept infiltrating my mind, poisoning my mood, and crippling my emotions.

My prayers seemed to lack their vigor, my scripture study diminished to a chapter that I got nothing out of. My classes seemed to drag on and on, and my roommates felt like strangers. I couldn't bring myself to tell Ryan how I felt; I feared he would think I was overreacting or try and convince me I was seeing things all wrong. I didn't want to hear that, I didn't want to be put down by another person I cared about. Church brought out great lessons and Mormon messages, and after watching them, I felt renewed and felt like things would start going good. The rest of the semester went this way, me hoping things would change, feeling hopeful from the lessons, and then it ended. I never felt like anything was resolved, but it was time to go home for the break.

My parents had moved during my first semester at school, so coming home was not really coming home. I felt like I was living in a strange and foreign place, with only my family there to remind me that I was in the right house. I felt lost and alone, even with my family there. I was now 3 hours away from my fiance instead of being just down the road, like our old house was. We Skyped and talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same. I knew it wouldn't be long until we'd be married, but it felt like an eternity. I remembered the lessons and Mormon messages I had heard, but I kept questioning when I would finally feel the comfort that has been promised. It wasn't until I started praying with more fervor, with more meaning, and started reading the scriptures with more heart and searching that I felt better. I started to feel lighter, less inclined to feel down about things that hurt me.

I got married and felt so happy, so sure that I would never feel this loneliness again. I was wrong. After the first month, I started to feel lonely again. I missed my best friend, and I was sad that I never fully resolved how I felt. I stayed with her the week before my wedding, and it was fun to see her that week, when I could. I was so busy with planning the last final touches for the reception and the wedding day that I didn't have time to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Now, a month later, I was feeling the blues of not seeing her. We were inseparable growing up. I'd always go to her house and we'd hang out for hours upon hours, telling each other everything. Now, with us both in different stages of life, it was like she never existed. But I was still me. I still wanted her to be my friend. I still wanted to have that relationship with her that we had so long ago. Why was it so hard for her to see that? I would try and get in touch with her, but she was always so busy. It was hard for me to hear that from her. You make time for things you care about, even if you're busy, I'd find myself reciting in my head. Another month went by and I was still trying to get a hold of her. I stopped by my old apartment and spoke with one of my old roommates for a few hours. It was a great talk, but it wasn't the same kind of talk I could have with my best friend. I finally broke down and told Ryan how I felt. Tears pouring down my face, he wrapped me up in a big hug and told me to keep working on her, to keep trying to see her. "Someday," he told me, "someday you'll find the time to see her." Those words brought me comfort and I continued to pray that there would be a time where I could speak to her.

Finally, the day came. We planned to get together after work. I was ecstatic to finally hear all about how her life was going, thrilled that we finally found a time that both worked for us. We talked for hours. I felt like the good old days were coming back, the days where we spent hours and hours talking about what our troubles were, what our dreams were, and what we could do to make them happen. It felt so good to have girl talk, to feel like I had my friend back who would finally listen to me, listen to how I felt.

And then it hit me: I wasn't ever alone.

Sure, I'd questioned the age-old saying and challenged it, and labeled it as something that didn't apply to me. But, even through all of my stubbornness of not seeing the signs, they were there. The Mormon messages that were shared in Relief Society; my mom shooting me a random text saying she loved me; Ryan surprising me and coming by when I didn't think I'd see him that day. Through all of the signs, I questioned God. I questioned why I was feeling alone and why He wasn't there to comfort me. I had stopped praying to Him with heart and stopped reading the scriptures with real intent for a time. Even through all of that, He was still there. He still helped me. He was trying to pull me out of a slump when I felt like I couldn't go on another day. The talk with my friend was just another reminder that He cared about me and about how I was feeling to find a time for us to get together.

All I had to do was look. All I had to do was turn to Him and allow Him into my life. I had to stop shunning Him, just like I had felt shunned from the people around me. The Lord is there for us to provide comfort through the Holy Ghost. He is there to "wipe away [our] tears" (I Know That My Redeemer Lives, Verse 2). He knows what we've been through and knows exactly how we feel, whether we think He does or not.

Even though I went through the hardships of feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life, I now know for a surety and can fervently declare that the Lord really is there for us and we are never alone.

Check-out these two talks by Worldwide Mormon 

church leaders to learn more about how you are never alone:

"None Were With Him" by: Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"At All Times, In All Things, In All Places" by: Sister Elaine S. Dalton